There's something undeniably erotic about household appliances, and the vacuum cleaner has got to be the sexiest of them all. That soft whir of passion, the mobility offering creative positions, and the promise of the ultimate "suck job". You may find love with a Hoover, but you'll also probably get yourself a trip to the emergency room.
Interestingly enough, it's a misconception that a vacuum cleaner will suck your penis right off. In fact, most people injure themselves by "placing the erect penis directly into the body of the of the vacuum cleaner or electric broom where the fan blades are located, approximately 15 cm from the inlet." But don't fool yourself, there have been plenty of reported cases of serious injury from suction alone, including "degloving" (having the skin ripped off). Here's an example of what can happen:
Another fascinating fact: it tends to be men over 50 who end up getting too close to their vacuum cleaners.
On the Table
A neighbor was concerned to hear the vacuum cleaner running continuously for a long time, so she went next door to see what was up. There, she found her 57 year-old neighbor dead, slumped over the dining room table in a compromising position. His legs and buttocks were wrapped in pantyhose and he had a table leg up his ass. Turns out, he had a heart attack, more from the excitement of the moment than due to malfunction of the vacuum. Upon questioning, his wife admitted having caught him once before in congress with the vacuum cleaner. She also admitted not having had sex with him for the past five years.
American Journal of Forensic and Medical Pathology, Vol 9, No. 3, 246-247, 1988
You Look Pretty When I'm Drunk
Drunk off his ass, one unfortunate Hoosier found his vacuum cleaner a bit too appealing. He inserted his manhood into the hose and turned on the machine, which sucked him far enough inside to get intimate attention from the machine's belt, rug-beater, and brushes. After the loss of a huge amount of blood and about two hundred stitches full function was restored, though, as the surgeon put it, "the structure was not a thing of beauty."
Indiana Medicine, March 1988, Volume 81, No. 3, Page 252